Beyond The Eyes – An Essay By Kingsley Taabu

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Written by Kingsley Taabu

https://ofmonologues.wordpress.com

Beyond The Eyes

“Do you ever just…wait, can you hear me? I mean, do you just sit there and stare? Quite peculiar I must say. Even more peculiar is me expecting you to talk back or rather respond. You’re a dog. Of course you can’t. Which makes me ask, do you have a soul by any chance? Many say animals don’t. However, how can you explain the compassion offered, especially by your kind? I think you do; it’s just beyond our understanding. Furthermore, the human ego would never admit to ignorance. Therefore, we refute that which we don’t understand, and in this case, the existence of a soul in animals. Plants…well…I think they might have one. Actually, every organism might have a soul.

Here’s my reasoning, the soul is a manifestation of the universe. It’s like a fragment of the universe existing inside you. The universe realises itself through creation, for lack of a better word. To achieve that, the fragment has to exist in…see this is why I need actual friends. I wish you could talk and listen. Your attention span is so low. Anyway, what you’re looking at is a movie called the Matrix.

The Matrix

We’ve watched this together like a million times; you just don’t remember. Your intelligence is questioning Doge. Sighs. Right so the movie is basically about a protagonist called Neo who seeks to escape the matrix. I feel like I have told you this before, haven’t I?

Apparently, the movie is actually about the transgender breaking societal norms. It wouldn’t make sense to people now, especially since we’re more liberal when it comes to sexuality. It did, however, to the director, over 150 years ago. There are many conspiracies concerning this movie. One took my interest though. It states that Neo doesn’t really escape the matrix because there’s a matrix outside the one he escaped. Like an alpha matrix of some sort. Haha.

I agree with that theory; I really do. No one can escape the matrix. It’s impossible. People believe that the matrix is static and that they are the only ones evolving; hence where the idea of escape comes from. They feel like they have grown past it or that they are better and smarter. In reality, the matrix grows with you. I think it even evolves at a faster rate than you. Neo outgrew the old one and was met by a new and evolved one. See it is vital that the matrix also evolves. Its purpose is to control people. People evolve. New ideas, philosophies, perspectives etc. come up. When that happens, they threaten to go past the matrix or rather control structures set up for them.

To prevent it from growing worse, the matrix has to provide structures which conform to those ideas so as to keep on controlling. It can evolve multiple times in order to achieve this. Take my institution for example, thousands of years ago, the church was only catholic. Then there came dissents which formed the protestant group. See the matrix evolved and conformed with the protestant idea in order to keep people under its control. Don’t look at me like that, this is just basic knowledge.

Look at me. I am literally an example of how you cannot escape the matrix. A black pope? Not only black, but also female? Come on man. The founding fathers of Christianity would slit their throats. Okay now stay with me. Focus Doge. See, Christianity developed with the thoughts of society. The patriarchal period had the religion not allowing women to address the church. When people started asking questions concerning the patriarchal nature, it evolved too and women were more represented in the leadership positions. Before that time, there was the period when the black man started asking for more apart from being a slave. He was given leadership in the church and represented.

Religion

So you see, in this case, religion is the matrix and it evolves with the ideologies of people. Here I am; a black woman as pope. I can tell you who the next pope will be. The next pope will probably be from the LGBTQ, continental African and a lady. That way, Christianity would have offered a focal point of three: the feminist movements, Pro-black movements and LGBTQ movements. You did not hear this from me but she’s probably in training right now, almost ready to take over in some years.

Training…oh yeah, I mentioned training. Well I was trained to be here. I don’t even believe in this shit. Fucking hell. However, I have a mission in the matrix which I have to accomplish and it’s this. Interesting, yes? No, not really. It sucks. The training broke me. I have no friends, no one to talk to. Okay okay, don’t look at me like that. I can talk to you. I just have no one to listen to me. No offence Doge. Hopefully none taken. What I think I crave most is a lover. One with gentle tough and nice words. One who will hold me in sweet embrace and be with me through this journey. Sad isn’t it? Sad that I was kinda stripped of my ability to love. Like I said, the training broke me. I don’t respond well to touch. Very ironical when you compare with my desires. One of the training methods involved def…No, I don’t want to talk about it.

Sometimes I wonder what the point in all this is. Like, why do we do this? Why can’t we just live. We are all going to die eventually so what’s the point? I don’t fear death. I think that’s a result of my training. Humans fear death, not because of actually dying but what’s after. We don’t know what’s after. No one knows. Do we go to heaven/hell or reincarnate? Or is it all just darkness? Like I said earlier, the ego won’t admit to ignorance. Religion and spirituality have come up with concepts of heaven, hell and reincarnation. I have a theory. I believe all this is interrelated; all religions have to be connected in a way.

Remember the story of the tower of Babylon? We are told that God purposefully gave the people different languages in order to throw them off. Reason with me, the story has to be metaphorical. There is no way people at that time would think of making a tower that high with the architectural skills they had. It doesn’t make sense because it would fall. They wouldn’t reach that far. Also, the earth has been the same for several years. Therefore, they would reach points in the atmosphere with little to no oxygen. How did they survive that? Aside from that, the temperatures would not allow them to. It’s not like they had powers or anything.

Here’s what I think instead. The tower is a metaphor for spirituality. We often are told that the universe or God or basically the higher power is transcendent. Man was on the verge of understanding the higher power. That would mean that the transcendental nature would no longer exist and in such, man would be too powerful. Also, there’s a theory which denotes that the universe will disappear once man understands it and how it works. Then to prevent such from happening, man was exposed to different spiritual systems or religions, which are called languages. Just like the other theories, this of course has its weaknesses which I do not need to point out. You won’t understand anyway.

When it comes to heaven, hell and reincarnation, I have reason to believe that all of them exist. I believe that here on earth we reincarnate. We reincarnate until we reach the highest possible god standard to allow us to move to a higher dimension. The god standard is of either polarities: Good or Evil. There is no in between. To be a god, you must be of either polarities. Duality is what makes you human. With duality, you cannot ascend to the higher dimension. Depending on your polarity, the higher dimension you move to will either be heaven or hell for you. I mean, I don’t think the states of those dimensions are as exaggerated as we are made to believe. There’s no milk and honey, no white robes, no burning, no worms etc. Sometimes I even think they are all mind states. I’m still trying to find a focal for everything. You’d think a pope would have all this reasoned out. I don’t!

Actually, in real sense, no one really knows what’s happening in this world. Do you know how crazy it is? No you don’t. People think they understand what’s going on until they find a new perspective; then that has them doubting what they believed in. The process goes on and on until one day you realize none of this makes sense. It happened to me. When I was still training I was first exposed to Christianity, then there came Islam, Buddhism, Ifa, Voodoo etc. After sometime, the I read the Sumerian tablets, which had me doubting everything. The last straw came when I read the Ra Script. Having all that information makes you feel like you’re running mad. Then one day you wake up and realize none of this makes sense. Oh, that’s after believing none of this is real. Funny, eh?

Love

I mentioned love. In the end, love is what matters. It’s crazy how I say this yet I haven’t felt love in years. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel parental and sibling love. Of course I do. It is important that the pope comes from a strong family structure. The core of society is family and therefore, family has to be strong in everything. Ancient Egyptians believed that their gods and goddesses were structured in families and therefore, they also should. Look at Ausar, Aset and Heru. They were a family. Contemporary religions believe in family alike. I’m not talking about that.

Ever fallen in love? It’s…interesting, especially when unintentional. For someone who has shunned out love? Interestingly beautiful. Indescribable at first; feels more of a passing feeling. A teacup’s tempest. Slowly, it creeps up on you. The subject of your interest is noticed more. You find them more attractive. “Beautiful,” you’ll tell yourself. Gradually, the eyes see beyond beauty. The beholder’s bias is no longer in play. This is who they are. They’re smart; they speak well; their touch feels lovely. The feeling grows stronger and you’re now conscious of something going on. However, it feels strange.

Love is foreign to you. Processing it is hard but its growth is felt inside. More poignant it becomes and so does your interest. Their smile kinda makes you feel better. You feel warm. Every time you gaze into their eyes, you fall deeper. Realization kicks in. Now you’re aware; hyperaware. However, it’s too late. You have been washed over by this strange feeling: Love. You are in love. Defence kicks in. You can’t be in love. You don’t even know what love is. The denial makes you fall deeper and deeper. It’s like kicking your way through quicksand: the more you kick, the deeper you fall. The fall is scary and becomes too much. You have to scream and let it out. You have to tell them. You don’t know why but you have to. Maybe to feel better? The secret is out; not on purpose. The mouth let it out in the heat of moment.

Now you’re there with this gushing feeling. You can’t hold on to shunning love out. Finally you tell them, you’re deeply in love. However, with a tear because you’re unsure and for the first time, you have no control of self. It’s the first time a tear has fallen in the long time. Worse still, it’s the first time you’ve fallen in love. It turns out to be mutual and you can now express everything you’ve felt. The emotion turns into action and action into emotion. You can’t keep your hands to yourself. They’re yours. You’re safe with them. The falling becomes floating and in the clouds you lay. That’s how the feminine touch felt to me: A heterosexual.

You’d wonder where I had the chance to interact with the feminine touch. For starters, no one here really cares about what’s going on here. Like I said, the matrix of religion evolves with the spirit of the people. Therefore, no one really cares about any homosexual acts during this age. I had my chances, though not publicly known because of well, celibacy and what not. It was a single interaction. I wonder how it got me like this. Okay not a single but maybe less than five times. No, she wasn’t a minor. She was a strange lady. Shy at first, rarely spoke. Then one day, out of nowhere, we kissed. I don’t understand how. Then there came a whole whirlwind of sex and emotion. It was beautiful. Sadly, my inability to respond to love got in the way. I was erratically frightened. Had her transferred. Still remember the look on her face when I did that: All betrayed and dejected. I could tell she wanted to scream. Wish she understood that I was protecting her from myself and my unresponsiveness.

Haven’t had the chance to experience the male touch. I mean in a consensual manner. The desire was robbed off me. I, however, have some inferred views. It seems rough; brute. Too domineering and doesn’t really allow expression. Sometimes I feel like the male touch is a result of societal expectation and not really emotion. They aren’t really allowed to express emotion. The touch is dictated by what is expected of them. Not all men would be dominant if they weren’t really told to. Dominance is more of from within. It can’t be learnt. Learnt dominance is not true dominance. That’s why there’s some sort of mishap for men during sex. Some sort of disconnect. Some act like robots programmed for the feminine pleasure. I believe in the mutuality of sex; everyone involved should enjoy it. You’d think I’ve learnt this from experience. Reading helps Doge.

Ever heard of ying-yang? It’s like a harmony between two opposite states. Like a balance of some sort. Sometimes I feel like this harmony is needed for intersexual relations. Everyone has a masculine and feminine side. In most men, the masculine side is more dominant and vice versa for women. That doesn’t allow for the true expression of self. This is because when one side is supressed, the other is also supressed to be able to obtain the balance. If everyone allowed themselves to feel these sides without favouritism of one, especially their sex’s side, then they would allow the true expression. You wouldn’t really have to be told what your nature is. But then again, who decides what one’s nature is? All these are social constructs I guess…

Sometimes I think that we, as human beings, do too…door opens”

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